We are excited to share a Guest Blog post by the beautiful Linda, from Spinning Stardust. She found us on instagram and we fell in love with her vibe. She is an Intuitive Dating Mentor and Reiki/Energy Healer. With 8 years of experience working with men and women and an early unsuccessful start to love herself, Linda knows a thing or two about what makes for a great relationship. based in Auckland New Zealand. I have lots of life experience, working around the world with diverse cultural backgrounds and age groups.
ZERO CONTACT METHOD
By Linda, Spinning Stardust, Intuitive Dating Mentor, Reiki/Energy Healer
Have you ever been in a situation when you have had some real clarity about a person and situation you are in? When perhaps a good friend suddenly tells you ‘he only calls you up when he needs a ride somewhere or to borrow money’ or ‘he always meets you late at night and never comes to your house’ or ‘he doesn’t have time for a relationship, but he goes on long vacations twice a month’. Your eyes are suddenly wide open, a wave of stillness washes over you. We can be so emotionally close to a situation that we get tunnel vision. Now you can suddenly see what everyone else has been seeing for weeks, months or even years. This is someone that is taking from your life in a significant way and not giving back. This is a person you spend time, money and effort on, only to receive no gratitude or hope for the future with them.
In some circumstances this could be someone that has been abusive towards you physically or emotionally and you are only now seeing the truth.
I’ve been there and it’s an emotional time. After the initial epiphany you are left feeling used, angry at yourself, angry at them, embarrassed and a little lost. Perhaps deep down inside you knew the truth all along, or maybe you were genuinely so infatuated with someone you couldn’t see what they were doing. Either way you are left wondering what to do next.
My answer is, get on with your life. This is where the zero contact method comes in. Now a few housekeeping rules before we start this:
1. Do not use this method if you have children with this person. Children do not need to be tied up in any beef between two adults.
2. Do not use this method if you work closely with this person and need to communicate in work meetings and so on.
3. Do not use this method if you owe this person money or vice versa. Make sure you get that situation under control first.
In these circumstances the zero contact method, turns into more of a ‘No initiating contact Method’. This means if you need to talk to them hold your integrity and be civil/professional. But avoid them if you can.
Ok great, now we have established that, let’s begin.
The first thing you need to remember about this method is that it puts you completely back in control of your time, your thoughts and your emotions. Unless it is your work, close family, close friends, or your children, nobody else in your life needs to know you are safe and well. So please get into that frame of mind first and foremost. This person is energetically draining you and you need to take back control.
1. Delete their number. I am talking delete it, NOT write it down on a piece of paper for later, or asking your friend to save it to their phone or changing his contact details to something mean like ‘a**hole’. I mean get rid of it!
2. Delete all his communication. Delete the emails, delete the text messages, delete the snap chats, the list could go on. Delete any form of communication you have had. This isn’t going to work if you are re-reading old messages. Remember to delete his phone number from these apps too.
3. Block them from contacting you. Block their email, if they text you after you delete their number, delete the text (the number with it). Block them from social media and any other digital source of communication.
4. Be more private. You don’t have to have your private Facebook or Instagram open to the world. Post to friends only and keep your pictures private.
5. Tell a close friend or family member you really trust that this is what you are doing, it may help in weaker moments.
6. Do not tell the person you are doing zero contact method. This will make you seem a little desperate for their attention and you will lose your credibility.
Ok so you were really angry in the moment, did all the above steps. A week or two has passed, and you are really missing them and thinking ‘maybe this is unnecessary’. Well what I say to that is, did they even try and contact you in that time? If no then you are definitely doing the right thing. If they did and you replied straight away then whatever scenario that made you want to start this will be worsened, as they know you aren’t going to stand your ground. If you have fallen off the wagon its ok to start again. BUT do not start yo-yoing. Blocking them on Facebook one minute and then re-adding them the next. This again will make you lose your integrity.
1. Running into them in the street or their friends. This is similar to the work colleagues. Don’t give them any extra time, say hello, don’t go in for a hug. Say you are great and have to run. This doesn’t make you look angry, it shows you are busy and no longer playing their games.
2. They call you and you answer not realising that it is them as you deleted their number. Keep your cool, give vague answers and make an excuse to get off the phone. If they ask why you don’t have their number, say you got a new phone. Or you can say ‘I was just tidying up my contacts list’.
3. Do NOT apologise for not speaking to them. The same way they have never apologised for how they have treated you. IF they do then of course accept it graciously. But you don’t need to apologise to someone that you weren’t in a relationship with for not speaking to them, and do not let them make you feel like you do.
Don’t waste your time with explanations. People will hear what they want to hear – [Paulo Coelho]
So you have passed the hurdles and significant time has passed zero contact. I am so proud of you. I know it has taken a lot of willpower and determination, but you did it. You have more head space, you have time to do things that you want to do and you have a lot more confidence. That is the feedback I get from most of my clients and I know I certainly did. Below are a list of things you should start doing to really break free and feel amazing.
1. Meditation. This will centre you and help with your breathing and enable you to be in better harmony with your emotions.
3. Eat Healthy. Keep yourself mind and body clean. Don’t drink too much alcohol or eat unhealthy at unhealthy times. This will put your body through stress that you don’t need whilst you are trying to heal emotionally too. Eat fruit and vegetables to give your body the nourishment it needs.
4. Get a new hobby. This one is great for opening your horizons, building your confidence AND meeting new people.
5. Go travelling – Don’t underestimate a change in surroundings. New people, new energy and new things to see and do. This really will stimulate your mind.
6. Re-vamp your hair. This one is kind of a quick fix, but whenever I get a new hairdo, I feel like a new me. There is something empowering about cutting off a part of you that you no longer need.
7. Surround yourself with crystals. These send off good vibrations that you need in your aura.
8. Make a vision board. I love this one because its time for you to blue sky your thoughts. You can put anything you want on your vision board (travel on a spaceship to Mars) its your vision board and your life, you can want and wish for anything you want.
9. Buy a new phone and get a new number. This really is an option. It’s a great symbolic gesture of moving on and really sending a message to the universe that you no longer want to be contacted by this person.
Please don’t go into this with the intent to make this person jealous, miss you, chase you or manipulate them into changing. That isn’t the purpose of the zero contact method. The purpose is for you to move on and become a healthier, happier you.
I do believe that people can change, of course I do. I work with people every day to help change their mind-set. But the difference is they’ve come to me and made a conscious effort to work hard to do so.
Just because he misses not being able to call you up whenever he feels like it, or have no strings sex, or misses having someone reply to his text messages. It doesn’t mean he has changed. Yes, he might make slight changes or effort for the better, but is that what you are really looking for? Is that enough to get back into the situation you were once in?
During your time of no contact make a list of what you really want in a relationship. Don’t hold back and think you don’t deserve or won’t get what you want. I mean blue sky this. Write down everything that you have ever wanted to feel, every date you have ever wanted to go on and every compliment you have ever wanted to hear. Because when you know what you want, I mean what you really want and deserve, then you are already on the road to manifesting it.
Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you’ll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others. – [Jacob M. Braude]
For more information, blogs, or advice on a spiritual or dating mentor, Linda’s service is a unique mix of professional mentoring with an intuitive element. You will get no generic dating tips here. Linda will provide real guidance with a caring attitude.
In order to achieve your desired outcomes you must know where it is you want to go. Linda will help get you what you want, but she needs to know what that is. If you don’t know, that’s ok. Lets work towards clearing that up.